July 4th, 2009
Attack of the Critic(s)
By Jeff
Ahh, where to begin.
This is robot porn people. Robot. Porn. And I mean that in as many different ways as you can think of.
Two and a half hours of robots bouncing all over the place, leaving behind a trail of blurred polygons, weirdly toned sexual jokes, references or undertones, and seemingly sporadic spots of racial stereotyping. All the female characters are nymphomaniacs, including hero Shia LaBeouf’s mother. There’s even a dominatrix-themed robot disguised as a super-slutty college mega-babe (newcomer Isabel Lucas, gee what a future she has).
At one point, a mini-robot furiously humps Megan Fox’s leg. But it’s not funny, it’s just weird.
Also thrown in, and I don’t know how this passed the Censors Board (oh wait, I remember, because the movie is going to bring in a half a billion Hollywood dollars worldwide by the end of August), are two Autobots (read: good robots) who talk in jive, and come across as somewhat-to-very racist toward African Americans, depending on the tolerance (or ignorance) of the person watching.
One of these robots has a protruding gold tooth. Both claim they aren’t smart enough to read. Some of the stereotypes used are astounding if you pay attention.
It’s controversial but ultimately OK in the case of Robert Downey Jr. playing a white character disguised as a smug black man in Tropic Thunder because the character eventually realizes the error of his ways. But sadly these negrotrons are the pure embodiment of the Sambo dolls of a past time.
On top of being perverse and racist, Transformers 2 is downright boring. At least the first one came across as somewhat fresh, with enough tension and originality to keep you interested.
All the tension generated by not knowing what’s coming next is crushed by wave after wave of CGI starch, practically blinding you with all the eye candy. It’s painful, like sucking on something so sweet it’s sour. What Michael Bay doesn’t understand, and I firmly believe will never understand, is that no amount of special effects can ever, EVER make up for a complete LACK of imagination.
Every summer ‘event’ movie of the past 35 years has tried and failed to copy that perfect, original combination first seen with the likes of Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Raiders of the Lost Ark, E.T., and Star Wars. And only every once in a while is there an exception to the rule: Terminator 2, Jurassic Park, The Dark Knight. But not often enough.
Due to the advances in computer technology, story and script have slowly been ironed out of the picture. Why bother spending the required dedication and hard work honing a compelling narrative when you can easily forgo all that in favor of CGI and make just as much revenue in the end.
These executives, producers and directors (in this case the antichrist-like Michael Bay) aren’t looking to make long-standing ‘classics’ like the films mentioned above. They’re looking to make the type movie that will bring in the most masses.
I expect Transformers 2 will fade quietly from the steady streams of history and then, as time goes on, permanently vanish, maybe once in a great while being mentioned in passing as ‘that robot movie with a lot of silly, overkill special effects’.
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